I survived , now I wish I hadn’t.

” Don’t you feel happier now that you get to see L every month? Must be better than seeing her every two months”

L is my daughter. She is now 8.

In 2014 I became very ill with fibroids. If your a woman your no what they are, if your a man, then it’s a growth in the woman bits that grows and causes heavy periods. I’m my case not only did I have a heavy period that lasted for 18 days but I would hemorrhage blood and pass satsuma sized clots at any time.

I was very aneamic. I was itchy my skin felt like I had bugs crawling all over it. My hair was falling out , I craved ice?? Yes frozen water not drugs. I would carry around a cup of ice with me everywhere. Not that I could go out much as I became incontinent. When I needed a wee I had to go. There was no in-between.

I had massive granny piss pads given to me from a friend of mine. She was given them after an operation she had and no longer needed them. They were like an adult nappy. Not nice to wear. Skinny jeans were out of the question to wear.

Not that I could , as since this tumor was growing, it was like I was pregnant.

I looked it. And felt like it.

Since my GP surgery closed down , I got lost in the “system” and I was left for too long without being seen by the hospital.

Only when I asked for a blood test as I kept telling the GP that I was loosing lots of blood , and telling her that I can’t take iron supplements as they have an adverse reaction to my tummy. Yes they made me shit myself. But no matter how many times I told my GP , she still continued to give them to me. She informed me that she had referred me to the hospital, and I just had to wait as I’m not an urgent case and they were very busy.

Every 2-3 weeks I would ask her to chase them up to see me as I was feeling very ill.

Sorry I side tacked, blood test , it came back the same day blood was taken as I needed an urgent blood transfusion. To the shock of my GP surgery. It was Hb 5 .

I did keep telling my GP that I felt really ill.I struggled to breathe and had chest pains. I passed out many times, luckily only when my daughter was at school.

I had my daughter then.

I had my daughter when I was 31. I had always worked, fitted it around my disability of CFS/ME and fibromyalgia. It never stopped me from living a normal life as I managed my symptoms well and had afternoon naps.

So split shifts district nursing was ideal.

I did well but I got board and took up different courses and other jobs to keep my brain active.

I first mortgage I had was when I was 19. It was a 3 bed house with large garage and husband and son included.

The relationship broke down 7 years later , I left him with the house , I went and bought another one in a village near him.

Obviously we had shared responsibility of our son. B.

Anyway back to blood test results. The hospital called me and told me they were sending an ambulance to come and pick me up. It was 2 pm . I had a blood test that morning at 10 am.

2pm! I had to collect my daughter at 3:10pm from school. I didn’t have anyone to pick her up. Or to look after her.

I’m tears I call my mum. She was at work. She’s a solicitor. Her job comes first as proven in her response to me when I tell her on the phone that I have to go into hospital for a blood transfusion, they are sending an ambulance to pick me up from home, she responds with “can’t they do it at the weekend?” . What am I ment to say? Other than okay mum I will see what they say. Holding back my tears so she can’t feel my pain. I say sorry to of called her at work and tell her I will let her no what the hospital say. With I’m sure that will be ok.

What I wanted to say was for fucks sake I’m fucking ill and I need urgent medical treatment before I go into cardiac arrest or have organ failure. I’m your fucking daughter why the fuck are you not dropping everything to help me by picking my dad up from school and looking after her while I’m in hospital.

But then , my daughter hardly knows her.

My mum was only interested in my brother , his wife and their kids.

What I didn’t no was that morning, my mum went into work late as she had taken my brothers daughter to school. So she couldn’t leave work early. Well not for me anyway.

So, I call the hospital. Arrange to go in the next day after I had taken my daughter to school, I lie and say I have someone to drive me, but I drive myself. As my daughter was not a planned pregnancy, in fact I had been told two years previously that I was not able to have any more children , I had treatment for the removal of cancerous cells in my lady bits and had an ovary removed at the same time as it had a tumor on it. But it was caught in time and I didn’t need any further treatment.

But I was sent home with a letter to my GP telling them if I there is any change in my periods and blood loss , I was to be referred straight back to them. As after they hacked away the cancerous tissue from my insides, they found I had endometrial polyps.

Obviously my new GP paid no attention to this after I had mentioned it to her, she put me on the pill as I had big brown slogged marks on my face and it looked like I had a tash and a dirty neck and my skin was grey and sticky. She gaveve me more iron pills 😂 she stood up and showed me the door. She reminded me of that Churchill nodding dog on the advert. But wasn’t paying attention to anything I was telling her. I was upset with how ill I was feeling. My legs and feet were so swollen and I had red hot skin on my calf. I no that’s a sign of a DVT. But she refused to ever look at them and says that she can’t tell if my feet and legs were swollen as she hadn’t seen them before.

My feet were moulding around my flip flops. I stand up and burst into tears. Asking her why is it taking as long for me to be seen by the hospital? She said she had done the referral 6 months ago. And now my beautiful long blonde hair that’s think and passed my bra strap, is falling out. I had clumps of hair missing, I had to wear a Beanie hat, it was summer time. My eye balls were yellow, I couldn’t breathe, she tells me I’m having panic attacks. I ask her for some painkillers, I had been on them for over 5 years to help with my fibromyalgia, she says no. No I’m not giving you any more medication. I say pardon? I’m on antidepressants and your not ment to just stop taking them? I say, She replies she wants me to be seen by the mental health team.

I find out that she has written to them telling them she thinks I have EUPD.

I go in to hospital to have the cross match blood test done and arrange for me to go into hospital on the Saturday to have the blood transfusion. On Saturday I’m feeling very ill. I get my daughter sorted out and explain to her that I need to go into hospital to have some special medication to make me feel better , as my daughter was then very aware of how ill I had become. She asked me why I was wee’ ing blood. I explained that I had a baddie baddie in my tummy that is turning my wee red. Bright red. And it would pour out of me. Or gush. I would have 3 Tampax in , 2 jumbo pads and it would still pour down my legs , soaking my underwear, tights and jeans and I would have “saddle bags” in seconds.

This could happen just after I had just changed and showered from it just happening 10 mins previously. I went through a box of Tampax and pads a day. 8 pairs of knickers, if you can call them that as they now are the size of my grannies pants. I must of changed my clothes at least 4 times a day . This went on for months.

I devoted my life to my daughter , I was now registered disabled and living on benefits. And paying my Mortgage out of it.But it didn’t matter, because I had her. She was my world from the first time I new I was pregnant, and that was a shock. I was on my own. My ex told me to get rid of it and if I have it he will go back to Italy and take my son with him. He wanted nothing to do with it. So from then on, my son went to live with his dad and I got ready for my miracle to be born. From then on, I was not to tell anyone who the father was and I said I had a one night stand with someone who I don’t no. Never seen him before or after or again. And that was that.

I was all prepared. I got a support package done by adult social services for the just incase I have a relapse in my CFS/ME after the birth, due to the after effects of childbirth and it could effect my mobility. The specialist pediatrics dr and CFS/ME organised it all. And I was all set up ready to face anything that may happen.

I gave birth via c section march 2010 to a beautiful girl 7lbs3oz @2:15pm

Every thing was great, my daughter was very happy and hardly cried as I had a set routine for everything. She slept all night from 12weeks old, I say all night , 10pm-6am. I enjoyed every moment with her and we did everything together. I devoted my life to her and that is what I did.

I never asked for help. As I didn’t need it .

Until this happened in 2014. I felt weak and so ill. I struggled to walk. I couldn’t keep up with the normal activities, myself and my daughter did. So art and bird watching and less energetic activities were done instead. Not that my daughter minded . She loved everything we did as we did it together. We had fun. I’m a big kid so building a fortress in my living room and using glow in the dark paint to make stars and stick them on my ceiling was just fun. We loved reading to each other and making up silly games.

My daughter loved playschool,she loves to learn and so she was going 5 days a week 6 a year before she started school and it was 9am till 3 pm.

That’s when I started to struggle. I needed help. So as I had a care plan already put together for this eventuality, I contacted adult social services and ask them to action my services package as I now need help at home , especially as limited my energy was ,I used it all on my daughter and I was struggling with everything else. Hoovering made me bleed , lifting anything made me bleed. Getting washing out of the machine made me bleed. Driving made me bleed..are you seeing where I’m going with this point?

Adult social services say they no longer have any record of my agreed services support plan, and I would need my GP to refer me to them. BUT as I have a child, they send round CHILDRENS SOCIAL SERVICES.

I’m sat in a hospital bed and on a ward. As soon as I turned up that Saturday morning an hour late as getting there was such hard work. Why is it when you feel so shit and your body tells you that your in pain, can’t breathe even tho you no you are but no air is going into your lungs , your eyes are blurry, and you now can’t see properly, that a 10 min walk from car to the treatment ward then takes 50 mins???

I’m setting off all the machines the nurses have hooked me up to, the other patients in the room raise their heads and tut at me in disappointment, i hadn’t moved or done anything wrong so why are they looking at me like that? I didn’t set the alarms off , they keep going off as I’m tachicardic and my oxygen level is low. So piss off you grumpy old tits I don’t want to be here either.

Did I mention that I have a massive needle phobia? I found having a valium used to work. Now in hospital the only way they can come near me is if they have the portable Entonox from the maternity ward and. I’m given a full mask and 8 good sucks on the gas before they can put the tourniquet on my arm. I carry my own as I don’t no where theirs has been. At this point the doctor will do anything as I’m grey, sweating and struggling to breathe like a 90 year old heavy smoker running up the stairs. Yet I’m laying still in a hospital bed.

Wow the room is spinning and everyone sounds funny. I go to speak and it sounds funny as well. The Dr asks me if I’m ok and I just nod and my eyes roll back into my head and then it’s done. One cannular is in and all taped up. The Dr looks relieved. Takes my ntonox away and tells me I need some fluids in me first before I have the 4 units of blood.

4! How long will this take? One unit of blood takes about 2 hours.

But I have to pick my daughter up at 2 as my mum has a gig. Its already 11:15. She looks at me and asked how I got to hospital today? I replied I drove why? Her mouth dropped like I just swore at her or something. You drove? Most patients who come in the state your in are on a stretcher unconscious . She asks me if I realise how ill I am and that I could have a heart attack at any second..

She calls my mum.